4 WriteStuff

I was recently at a meeting of volunteers where the people are very honest and supportive of each other. It is such a pleasure to be with a group of people who are “real” with each other and accepted as such. In fact, I noted aloud,  “what an awesome group! We are just like family!” As I made that comment to my friend, we looked at each other and paused in thought, then she said,“without all the icky stuff!”

Yes, the icky stuff…  the games we play with each other – putting on a façade instead of being real. Yes, those things we think we are hiding that everyone already knows. It’s actually rather humorous – we so often try to hide from those who know us best. Think about it, how many times have you waited for someone to tell you what you already know just so you could get it out in the open?

It is interesting how easy it is to go on power trips… “I know something you don’t… ” or to judge another person based on our own feelings (aside from facts).  “Power corrupts,” or so it’s said. So do you suppose that’s why it is so easy to fall into gossip mode? We love the power over others? We smugly whisper,  “don’t tell A, about B.” We make all sorts of claims and excuses, “I don’t want to hurt B… or I don’t want A to not like B…”  Really? Then why are you talking about it?  There are some secrets that need to be kept – such as a friend in pain who just needs someone to hold her heart for a while. I must confess, there are others that are hurtful in the keeping, especially when we talk about someone instead of to them.

In counseling we use the phrase “the elephant in the room.” Often there is a problem that is so obvious that it is like having an elephant in the room and everyone talks around it, pretending it is not there. The problem with elephants is that the longer you ignore them, the more cleaning up you have to do.  In the end, this kind of secret has power over you, instead of you having power over it as you hold it in, and dance around the truth, you find yourself trampled and caught up in the web of deceit you spun yourself.  Speaking to others can bring clarity and healing.

There is so much power in our words, the power to encourage, the power to destroy, the power to hurt, the power to heal… yet we fling words around like leaves in the wind, then we are surprised when we they explode like a loose cannon. I wonder if we would be so casual flinging words if we recognized that many of them cut like a knife?

 In Proverbs 16:20-24 it says, “The wise in heart will be called prudent, And sweetness of the lips increases learning.  Understanding is a wellspring of life to him who has it. But the correction of fools is folly. The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, And adds learning to his lips. Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.”

How precious are those who offer sweet words that fill the soul… mmmm, reminds me of dessert, yes, the finale of a tasty main course. But, how often do we offer those sweet words to a few, and have only leftovers, or crumbs left for others? Sure, they can survive on leftovers and crumbs, but it is that the way to live? And the leftovers we are hoarding, the crumbs we so stingily dole out… how long until we’ve only a pocket of mold? Is it because some hearts have only a little love and are able to share little beyond a precious few who are close to them? I think not! The more we love, the more we are able to love, and the more often those pleasant words like honeycomb cross our lips, the more sweetness and health permeates not only the soul of the recipient, but also our own.

So, if our words our reflections of our soul, what do they say about us? Are they hard and biting, like handfuls of shattered glass or are they sweet and refreshing, peaceful reflections?  Maybe today I’ll spend a little more time polishing that reflection and a lot less polishing the reflection in the mirror.

I remember growing up, we’d go to grandma and grandpa’s house and grandma would spend days preparing in advance for our visit. We were served a heaping portion of food which always included the best homemade pies ever. As I got older, I realized the extra food that grandma said she was going to throw away if we didn’t eat it, (the ultimate waste for a depression-era generation), would actually be their food for the next couple days due to their limited budget.  The fact that they shot their whole weekly grocery budget for our two day visit escaped me for many years. But it seemed to the depression-era generation, food equaled an expression of their love, those homemade pies, oh the ultimate comfort food.

Fast forward a generation and you have tv portraying the perfect mother, fresh cookies and milk on the table when her children walked through the door, hovering over everyone at dinner to be sure every need was anticipated and met. Then there was the leftover attitude from the depression-era generation, “Clean your plate,” “waste not, want not,” “there are starving children in Africa…” Now that food was more readily affordable, the combination of showing love through food and the desire to not waste food resulted in cleaning plates that were way out of proportion to our dietary needs. Heaven forbid these children would be slightly hungry and uncomfortable.

Usher in another generation and we have two working parents raised with the “food equals love” mentality. Demands on mom’s time are high and something has to give, bring on a double dose of comfort food to make up for less family time. Now we have a generation of Spaghetti O’s, potato chips and processed/junk food. We eat out frequently because mom or dad is too tired to cook and consume quantities of nutritionally deficient fast food calories because we can’t afford to eat at a more nutritious restaurant either financially or time-wise. We are surrounded by comfort foods that we deserve because we had a hard day or our children deserve because they should have everything they want, right?

I grew up in the mid-west where our world revolved around our eating. Family dinners were an important part of each day. Overcooking was expected, it was the ultimate faux pas to not have an abundance of leftovers. But really, how many leftovers are healthy? You might desire to eat it for another meal, or decide to eat it a third, but after that, it tends to sit in the fridge until it resembles a science experiment. Of course, at that point, it becomes ethical to throw it out with an, “Oh, I forgot this was in here!”

For many years when finances were tight, I didn’t want to waste food and found myself eating scraps of food rather than throw them out. This was evidenced by a gradual weight gain. Years later I came to the age of health accountability, “I need to either choose health or choose to ignore health.” This started to sink in on a backpacking trip when I realized how out of shape I was. Blow two was when the doctor said I was in the beginning stages of osteopenia and needed to start exercise if I didn’t want my bones to deteriorate further. Wow, what an eye opener! I chose health.

I found that dessert occasionally, is nice, but a small piece is just as comforting as a big piece. I found that it was more comforting to say, “I’ll take the breakfast special, no hash browns, no bacon and a side of fruit.” I found that when everyone at the table had over-ordered and was trying to give away their excess calories and cholesterol, it wasn’t my responsibility to compensate for their waste. In fact, the error belongs on their waist not mine…. In fact, I found that exercise is fun, and far more comforting than gorging myself to painful limits. I have found that everyone at the table looks at the person with the least resistance and heaps their unwanted portions on them. “Ah, the designated garbage disposal!” Not everyone has the ability to say, “no.” Fortunately, we have a very large dog who loves imitating a garbage disposal, it’s not my job. I have also learned it’s ok to throw away desserts pressured on us by family members who have not yet learned to cook in smaller quantities. Day two, it’s in the trash. But we really are going to have to have a conversation about quantities, I am neither your garbage disposal nor your trash person, nor your filter of how much to eat/not eat, cook/not cook, it’s your choice.

Are family dinners a thing of the past? I hope not! Family dinners are important for two key reasons: family and healthy food. A home-cooked meal so often has so much more nutritive value than processed or fast food. But, there are multiple challenges associated with healthy meal choice. In a family that felt dessert was part of a balanced meal, I now try to make dessert a special occasion and make it in smaller quantities, I don’t need a whole cake for two or three people and the kitchen store has wonderful pans in smaller sizes. I do like leftovers, but in smaller quantities. If I make four pieces of chicken, we each have one today and tomorrow I can make sandwiches. Unless I have a specific purpose for leftovers, I.e. I frequently cook a roast, then freeze half the meat to use later in an enchilada casserole. It makes more sense to cook for one or two meals and put away excess BEFORE the meal goes on the table. There is certainly less temptation to continue eating “because it tastes good.” I don’t count calories so much as I try to make my calories count. Sometimes a piece of cake is worth it. Other times, I know I need something more nutritious or my attitude is going to deteriorate rapidly. In fact, I frequently found a direct correlation between my children’s behaviors and the quality of our meals.

We frequently meet out of town relatives halfway for meals. Nice in theory, but they love buffets. Most of the family goes with the “I need to get my money’s worth attitude” and overindulges in wasted calories rather than wasted money. This line of thinking can go many directions, “I’m sorry you’re hurting, eat some cake and you’ll feel better…” “Help, I’ve fallen, and they won’t quit stuffing food in my face…”

This comfort food theme came full circle when I found myself recuperating from a surgery. After two days of jello, popsicles and sugary food, I couldn’t stand the thought of anything sweet. That cheesecake I bought to comfort me when I could eat again is going to the next potluck. It was ironic to realize that over the past five years of changing my eating habits, sugar is no longer comforting, in fact it made me downright uncomfortable.

There is so much that is comforting about family meals. But it seems more comforting to spend the time together than to hover over everyone anticipating their needs. My family has a voice and knows how to use it to ask if they have needs: they neither need to go hungry nor need to overeat to placate my desire to express love. In fact, we find hugs much more comforting than comfort food and what we used to classify as comfort food looks more like a balanced diet than calorie-packed, cholesterol-loaded, empty nutrition. Hopefully this next generation will redefine “comfort food” to look more like healthy food rather than substituting nutritionally deficient food for the comfort of love.