- Common sense ain’t common.
- It takes a lifetime to build a good reputation, but you can lose it in a minute.
- Too many people spend money they earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.
- If you feel the urge, don’t be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- I never met a man that I didn’t like.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your back pocket.
- Do the best you can and don’t take life too serious.
- Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.
- It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.
- The fool and his money are soon elected.
- Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.
- When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.
- The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
- Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.
- The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
- The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can’t make anybody believe that he has it.
- Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.
- The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
- If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?
- There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie” until you can find a rock.
- What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
- You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.
- Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
- People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.
- There are three kinds of men. The one who learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
- Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
- An ignorant person is one who doesn’t know what you have just found out.
- Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.
- Live so that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.
- Worry is like paying on a debt that may never come due.
- It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
- If advertisers spent the same amount of money improving their products as they do advertising them, they wouldn’t have to advertise them.
- If you want to be successful, it’s just this simple: know what you are doing, love what you are doing, and believe in what you are doing.
- If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.
- It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.
- If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
- I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
- The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
- Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
- Be thankful we are not getting all the government we’re paying for.
- About all I can say for the U.S. Senate is that it opens with a prayer a closes with an investigation.
- When you put down the good things you ought to have done and leave out the bad ones you did, that’s memoirs.